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Friday, January 7th, 2011
1:53 am - Stuff-itis
I might snow tomorrow. Weather widget said so.

My face is absuuuurdly broken out, no amount of mascara distracts from it. And I've had this tightness headache all day today. Horomones, I surrender. Please conclude your takeover with "hostile" taken out of the title. At some point, Blitzkreig ended and the Nazis were just kind of IN Poland, ya know? Let's get to that point.

As much as I've always looked down my nose at my mother's affection for keeping things, I can't help but feel I've inherited it. I endeavored to weed out my toiletries tonight and it became more of an examination of self than I would have liked. On the one hand, I was heroically chucking stuff in the trash without even flinching. "Take that, self-tanner I will never use! I am nothing like my mom, hurray!" But on the other hand, why do I have eight kinds of hand cream all at various stages of use? I feel wasteful for wanting to eliminate most of them, but isn't the real wasteful thing the habit of continuing to buy them?

This all comes down to the source of a great deal of my recent anxiety. I have stuff-itis. I'm going to try pretty soon to move pretty far across the country (not VERY far, but pretty far.) And I have to take my stuff. Which means I have to dramatically reduce the amount of stuff I have to make it a manageable amount to move without great expense. I've tried to observe what other people do when they make these moves. And I've seen that a lot of them got to leave stuff places. They left stuff at their parents house, they left stuff with their last roommate, they left stuff in places they used to live because they didn't really need them any more. And I...can't manage these.

First option, parents, is a reasonable one. I envy friends who do this. Their childhood rooms are still there, with their childhood stuff, available to them. My folks weren't into that. The things I wanted to keep as nostalgia, I had to reduce to eight boxes, properly labeled, and organized in a section of the attic. Everything else had to go with me, or be given away or sold. My childhood room is empty now, on its way to being completely redone as a guest room. As a person living with stuff-itis, my mom knows its symptoms and treatments well. I think that's where her urge to have me hoisting my own gear, as it were, comes from. This evening I negotiated agreeable terms whereby I might leave some of my larger stuff with them until I have real permanent digs. They're aware this might be years.

In hindsight, I took on too much furniture, too fast, too early. But how was I to know I would finally get the itch to move around? Most of the pieces I can part with willingly, hopefully through sale, but as the move approaches I'll just start giving it away out of desperation. But I want to keep the dresser and night stand set. They're so pretty, and I worked so hard to move them over and over already. I'd be sad to have to part with them.

I know I'm selling the bed. It never bothered me that it had been his when he and I were still friends, but now that that's ended I want it gone. I think it's time for a bed that hasn't been owned or slept in by anyone I've known. Or anyone period. Maybe, in my new life, I get a NEW bed.

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Saturday, December 11th, 2010
2:38 am
In a moment of despair, I yelled, "And what do I have?"
Emily answered, "Well, you have me."
"Yeah. And we have scabies."
We both laughed and forgot to be cold.
And I felt a little better.

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Tuesday, November 16th, 2010
9:23 pm - on parabolic progress: highs and lows
Walk in the door while answering my phone. It's my mom, who's car I just got out of. She asks if I want to run back out and get my Goucher travel mug that I left in the cup holder. I tell her my dishwasher doesn't really work, could she wash it for me? She agrees. The truth is I'm just lazy and already have my jacket off and don't want to run back outside. But our dishwasher really doesn't work right, that part's true too.

I take off everything having to do with my work uniform. I'm delighted to find that even though I got dressed in a sleepy stupor before sunrise, I still managed to match my underwear to my bra. It makes me feel pretty. I put off finding something else to put on.

I turn on my TV. It's on a Cinemax station from this morning; it's playing Ninja Assassin. Acceptable.

I sit down at my computer and poke around my usual haunts. Gmail, Twitter, Facebook. The fbook tells me the boy I liked from my play this summer is doing his college radio show right now. There's a link to listen. I click it. It loads. I put Ninja Assassin on mute.

It's playing an interesting one-guy one-guitar cover of Hey Ya. I like it, but I already knew that I really like his taste in music. Then he talks. I'm tickled by how much I like hearing his voice. There's something kind of cool about the fact that I'm listening to him and he doesn't know it. He plays another cool song I haven't heard before. I decide to get a beer.

My roommates aren't home, so I don't have to put clothes on to head into the kitchen. I uncap my beer and read the playful banter on the white board about whose turn it is to buy paper towels. I cancel the lingering, frozen 46 seconds on the microwave. Pet peeve.

Back in my room, another cool song is playing and Ninja Assassin has its credits rolling. I think about how cool I think this kid is, and I say out loud the first lines of one of my favorite monologues. "You're so neat. You're such a neat guy. I wish I would've known you when I was little."

I had planned to walk into Silver Spring and see a movie alone. I haven't gotten around to looking up what's playing or at what times. After Ninja Assassin's credits there's a promotional interview for "127 Hours" with Danny Boyle and James Franco. I turn down the radio show and listen to the interview. Right before coming home I'd run into my ex and we were talking about this movie.

I take a second to evaluate the encounter with the ex, now that it really is concluded. Talk about the movie was fine. I can't recall anything I said that was overtly stupid. I think my hair looked okay. Everything was fine. I heroically resisted teasing him about getting back together with his ex, which he did earlier in the week. I was poised, confident, didn't mention it. I already sort of took a jab at him on facebook chat with no response. I'm embarrassed that I lashed out about it. I took their getting back together a little too personally since I was already having a bad week. A bad week in general, but romantically bad more specifically.

Now I'm thinking about that. That slight. The end of that tryst. The formless, wordless void of an end. I hate being blown off. "The Fourth Kind" comes on TV, I turn the radio show back on.

The boy on the radio is talking again. With his girlfriend. She's in the studio with him. As always when I'm indulging in liking things about him, the idea of her makes me feel guilty. They seem like such a strong couple. A ribbon of jealousy rips through me. All at once I want more than anything to be in a strong couple with a neat guy. The next song he puts on is "This Year" by The Mountain Goats. One of my favorite songs. He dedicates it to anyone who had a hard week like he did. I had a hard week. I feel like it's for me a little, and I appreciate it even more.

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Friday, July 9th, 2010
4:52 pm - I would be flattered if he weren't nuts
I wouldn't call it stalking, because he quit it pretty quickly when he realized I wasnt interested, but there was this bar guest last fall who really seemed taken with me. And sent me this message on facebook. Which I had forgotten until today.

Dear Julia:

Listen, I think your policy of avoiding fellows who make advances to you at work is both prudent and wise. And I hope you can believe that making those advances isn’t something I ordinarily would do. But there was something about you that I found especially charming. For one thing, you have bottomless blue eyes; once glance at them would make strong Frenchmen break down and cry. Then you spoke to me – in a voice, I might add, like a vintage Burgundy made audible – and I learned that you are bright, engaging, and, in a nutshell, positively delightful. So I decided to take a chance.
Anyhow, please know that I would absolutely love to meet you in some public place for a spot of coffee or a bite of dinner. I won’t pursue the matter because I want you to be entirely comfortable. But please don’t take my lack of initiative as a lack of interest! Trust me, I’m interested. Saying that I have some slight interest in taking you to dinner is like saying that Hitler had some slight interest in Poland. I very much hope to see you again, so drop me a line sometime, won't you? Meanwhile, take good care of yourself, and please know that you really are an exceedingly lovely girl.

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Saturday, June 5th, 2010
1:54 am - they might be my last words
While cleaning out my sent text message box on my phone, I found a message I don't remember sending, and have no clues to the meaning.

"on way farewell , a light is not forever"

On way, farewell: a light is not forever.

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Sunday, December 27th, 2009
12:53 am - exerpt from Seymour's diary
"She looked over at me when the children in the picture brought in the kitten to show to their mother. M. loved the kitten and wanted me to love it. Even in the dark, I could sense that she felt the usual estrangement from me when I don't automatically love what she loves. Later, when we were having a drink at the station, she asked me if I didn't think that kitten was 'rather nice.' She doesn't use the word 'cute' any more. When did I ever frighten her out of her normal vocabulary? Bore that I am, I mentioned R. H. Blyth's definition of sentimentality: that we are being sentimental when we give to a thing more tenderness than God gives to it. I said (sententiously?) that God undoubtedly loves kittens, but not, in all probability, with Technicolor booties on their paws. He leaves that creative touch to script writers. M. thought this over, seemed to agree with me, but the 'knowledge' wasn't too welcome. She sat stirring her drink and feeling unclose to me. She worries over the way her love for me comes and goes, appears and disappears. She doubts its reality simply because it isn't as steadily pleasurable as a kitten. God knows it is sad. The human voice conspires to desecrate everything on earth."

--Raise High the Roof Beam, Carpenters, J.D. Salinger

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Saturday, November 14th, 2009
1:37 pm
Wrote a sentimental song yesterday. Feel a little better to have it written down.

Untitled and vaguely melodied at the momentCollapse )

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Thursday, August 20th, 2009
12:53 am - Expanding Peripheral
Alright, I'm gonna give it a shot. I'm going to try to expand Peripheral (my 10 minute play from playworks 2007, directed by the capable Robin, starring the amazing Katie, Charles, and Michael.)
I got a lot of positive feedback on the performances of the work and I was always kind of interested in what it might become if I let it spread out more.

So. Ideas. I need ideas. I know several of you saw it and was wondering if there was anything you thought you wanted to see from it. Like, if you left thinking, "I really wish the boyfriend and the gay roommate could have had a scene together." I should probably add more characters, since it's a lot for three actors to do two full acts by themselves.
I think I'm just so used to the things the characters do say (having poured over them for more than a year as I wrote it,) that I'm having trouble venturing into what else they might say.

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Tuesday, March 3rd, 2009
10:21 pm - Goals for March
This month I would like to achieve the following:
-advance my ukulele playing
-start climbing again
-add more than 200 dollars to my savings
-be present with energy for every performance of Not Such Stuff
-train as a head waiter
-train as a to-go person
-go out without spending money, or guard my spending on fun week by week
-finish extended Lord of the Rings triology
-find antenna for my new tv
-make time for old and new friends
-figure out how to spend time with these friends without breaking my budget
-finally see Billy again! (<-I have very little control over this one.)

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Thursday, February 12th, 2009
8:10 pm - I really want Chinese food from Towson's Best
I've started Tweeting. My Twitter name is the same as my AIM name if you wanna find me. Do any of you Twitter? Do you wanna follow each other? I want more people to follow. Guess who's following me! Give up? Demetri Martin!

I'm in a play! "Not Such Stuff" is a play where 8 Shakespearean heroines give their takes on their stories in a talking heads sort of style. I'm Ophelia, who has a LOT to say apparently. The play, the people in the play, and the company presenting the play are all really cool. The Venus Theatre is run almost entirely by one amazing woman, and she's built this company over years now to have a theatre group that gives flight to the voices of women. It's all rather rad. But I have a lot to memorize in a short time. The play performs every weekend in March, I'll give you more specifics soon.

I auditioned for the League of Washington Theatres this week. Nothing will come of it, but it's a good milestone to have conquered.

I hope I come up with something distracting to do on Saturday night.

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Thursday, January 15th, 2009
9:08 am - rainbow rainbow rainbow!
I don't know if I mentioned why Billy is in South America, but he is there climbing the highest peak in the southern hemisphere and I keep having dreams that he's gotten horribly injured or altitude sick.

But he messaged me last night! He's safe and healthy and off the mountain! He said his dad's Wii Fit is asking where I am. And that a boy was thinking of me last week standing 20,000 feet in the air.

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Tuesday, December 30th, 2008
11:29 pm - one of those year summerizer thingies
2008 in several nutshells.Collapse )

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Thursday, December 25th, 2008
8:41 pm - your skin is something that I stir into my tea
We decided in November to break up on Christmas day. It's an involved story, which I'll spare you. So we broke up and now he's on his way to Argentina. I feel like someone took an organ out of my middle, and I can feel where the hole is. His goneness feels large already.

But I managed to have a nice Christmas, Billy-etomy aside. I was given many lovely things from thoughtful lovely people and I liked seeing people like what I gave them. Thank you to those who sent me merry wishes, and also thanks to you few who knew and have condoled with me. Try saying that last phrase outloud, the rhyming has an interesting and unintentional music to it. "To you few who knew."

Music! I now own a lovely soprano ukulele. I must learn to play it. And tune it. I also now own a Zippo lighter that says "Fuck Communism" on it. That's another involved story that I don't know by heart yet; I need to take notes the next time it's told to me.

I'm unemployed, I live at home, my best friend is in South America for months, my climbing gym membership just expired and I can't afford to renew it, rendering my lovely climbing-related presents sad and deferred. But life is not at all bad. Some people I don't see very often are home for the holiday and some people I don't see very often live near me year round, so I have lots of folks to seek out and conversate with. I'm looking up auditions and not talking myself out of going to them. I'm recognizing that I need to look for a job that will pay me money. I finally got my room set up the way I like it.

One of my pillows still smells like that spiking glue he would put in his mohawk. Like coconut milk made of plastic. The flowers he gave me on Saturday when he surprised me with an ice skating date have withered. I don't really have a conclusion. Or a nice way to wrap this up.

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Friday, October 24th, 2008
12:33 pm

I'm traveling to Montreal via NYC starting on the 20th of November with a friend. Would anyone be willing to let us crash on their floor for one or two nights before we roll on to Canada? We wanted to see a bit of the city and I want to see a lot of my buddies who live there. Can anyone help us out?

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Tuesday, October 21st, 2008
11:06 pm - oh love of mine can you condescend to help me cause I'm stupid and blind
Today I:
-woke up in my very favorite way and then got to sleep in some more
-had a sexy lumberjack make me pancakes
-drove to Virginia to take out a sailboat
-it was too windy to sail, drove back to Chevy Chase
-got geared up to get the lumberjack a haircut then go bouldering at the gym
-haircut made us both sleepy
-ate sandwiches
-took blankets outside and napped in a sunny patch in backyard
-watched him get ready to go train to be a cocktail server (to replace me after I leave)
-showered; smelled better, looked fluffier
-went to eat in the cocktail section to support/harrass him during his training
-got a little slooshed on margaritas, ate everything ever
-added a billion applications to my iGoogle
-spent a litteral half hour scrolling through pictures of cats on my new pictures of cats iGoogle application
-made plans to sleep in tomorrow, wake up in my favorite way, and make the lumberjack steak and eggs

Tomorrow I might:
-wake up my favorite way and make breakfast
-succeed in going sailing
-go climbing
-go running
-hang out with Carter
-buy a couple things to finish my Halloween costume
-help the lumberjack plan a costume since he is not working on the 31st anymore!
-try to get my cocktail Saturday covered so I can ride rollercoasters with my fave girls
-call my health insurance about why they sent me a bill AGAIN when last month the lady on the phone said my account clearly understood that I had direct deposit from my checking account
-look up things to do when I'm in Honolulu
-look up cheap ways to get to and stay in Montreal for a few days
-look up cheap ways to get to and stay in Madison for a few days
-get more stuff organized in my room
-photograph my desk so I can try to sell in on Craigslist
-make sure I don't overeat, or eat excessive sugar
-deal with being one day closer to losing my newest most wonderful best friend

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Friday, October 17th, 2008
3:30 pm
Things that I am about, October 2008:

Red Bull, peanut M&Ms, chest surgery scars, Vampire Weekend, Ped Egg, too short bangs, bored poverty, meat steam, mouse noses, leaves blowing off trees like they sneezed, hip kisses, The Office, fun undies (or fundies), Montreal, knowing lots about tequila and nothing about wine, finger calluses, gum, growing lat muscles on my back, add faj chz, my band (The Reverse Swirls), cereal, new-to-me restaurants, Top Model, parking meters, refried air, gin and tonic, movies, "campusing", eyelashes, Honolulu, MY LAST DAY AT RIO OCTOBER 30, Netflix, my 1995 Honda Civic, Nick Cave, having health insurance, my brother, water refills, Obama signs in my neighborhood, peanuts in the shell, tray service, my part of his face, Aconcagua, apparently I drink coffee now, good morning kisses, Belle and Sebastian, getting a pet?, selling furniture, Italo Calvino's Cosmicomics, only being a year apart now, Aqua Velva, how excited everyone is for us, jacket weather, touching his hair, candy corn, slipper shoes, wishing I saw more of you people more often, pumpkin carving ideas, bagels, how sad Christmas will be, trying to be a good boyfriend, queso dip, Wolf Parade, Billy.

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2008
2:18 am - he only laughs when he's sad. and he's sad all the time so he laughs the whole night through
I work a lot. And when I finish a dinner shift and feel like I have to do something fun before I roll in for my following lunch shift, it seems to me like all I do is work. So I go to a poker game in a friend's new apartment where there's a shortage of chairs and I'm too tired to do much but stare into space and chime in on the occational 'that's what she said.'
But I should remember that I actually do get a lot of fun stuff done in my current life. Like in this past calender week I had some pretty good times. I just have to remember that I had them, when work blurs together and it seems like I'm always there.

Tuesday: Worked lunch, had dinner with Jess (at work, so what) and we caught up a bit. Saw a midnight movie with Mickey and Richard, Hancock, it was only okay.
Wednesday: Drove up to Towson for a doctors appointment. Remembered why I love my doctor as she wrote me a very official letter about how healthy I am to help me stick it to the bums who rejected me for health insurance (my most major tragedy of late.) Bought some stuff at H&M. Then Ben and I tried to go see the new Hunter S. Thompson documentary but the tickets I had won were useless because the theatre filled up before we could get there. So we went and had drinks and snack at work and then saw a movie, Get Smart, it was only okay.
Thursday: Worked lunch and dinner because I picked up for the house. I have trouble saying no to them because I really want to get in good, have the N for New taken off my name so I can train to work cocktail.
Friday: Dont know what I did during the day. Worked dinner.
Saturday: Got up at 7 to work brunch. My shoe broke at noon and I had to work three more hours with it tripping me up. Then rushed to Uncle Andy's in Catonsville for a family pool party. Swimming was done when I got there but the food was good and it was nice to see everybody. My cousin gave me a Holy Spirit pendant she bought on her trip to the vatican. I haven't taken it off. I drove from Catonsville to Hamilton in Baltimore (with a brief stop at Adri's in Fells') to hang out with Chris. That was actually really nice. Some drinks, watched a movie on TV, went to Club Chuck and saw some of Sean and Holland.
Sunday: Only got to sleep til 11 because I had to get home and get myself together (and buy new shoes) to work at 4. It's the worst thing ever to leave a nice comfy bed with a nice comfy person in it when they get to keep sleeping and you dont. I made a lot of money at my 4 oclock shift though and they told me I earned having my N taken off. Yay! Small victories are important, and credited to my new holy spirit necklace.
Monday: Had some lunch and got my haircut with Mickey. It was nice to do something with my day before my 5:30 dinner shift, I usually just bum around until I have to go. Then work. Then sleepy poker. Now this.

None of that was interesting to those who aren't me. But that's what I'm up to. I see some people, but not everyone I want to see. I'm tired and hungry all the time. I'm tired and hungry now.

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Monday, July 7th, 2008
2:05 am
So I know you've all been asking: Hey, Julia, what songs are awesome?

I'm glad you asked. These songs are awesome:

Weezer - The Greatest Man That Ever Lived (variations on a Shaker hymn)

Kimya Dawson - So Nice So Smart

Rilo Kiley - Portions for Foxes

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

The Cure - Friday I'm In Love

The Mountain Goats - The Best Ever Death Metal Band Out of Denton

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Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
6:38 pm - I think I want to change how I roll.
So when he sent me a text message and asked me "Had you ever stayed up with someone all night before?", what was I supposed to say?

"Yes, I have done it before. Staying up all night talking and not having sex but sharing kisses with someone I barely know but start to know more and more until my spaniel heart falls dizzyingly in love, then parting in the morning expecting never to see each other again but in reality spending the following untold months chasing each other through electronic devices, never fully satisfied because we can never get back how incredible it felt to really open up and be with and love someone without reservation and we probably never will? That's actually just how I roll."

Instead I told a story about playing Risk all night that was a composite of a couple friendly innocuous experiences. I need a new scene.

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Wednesday, April 30th, 2008
11:54 pm - In which Julia puts off finishing an easy paper
What we have here is the top 106 books most often marked as ‘unread’ by LibraryThing’s users. As in, they sit on the shelf to make you look smart or well-rounded. Bold the ones you've read, underline the ones you read for school, italicize the ones you started but didn't finish. Here's the twist: add (*) beside the ones you liked and would (or did) read again or recommend. Even if you read 'em for school in the first place.

apparently, my education did not fail me as much as I thoughtCollapse )

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